Thursday, April 22, 2010

I love this story whether it's true or not--

Alleged conversation between a hotel client and maid service:

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six little unopened bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid.

Dear Maid--I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t be needing those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new checks-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular Maid, Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45a.m. and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6:00 p.m. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap!. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder.
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologizes for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager.

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the he** left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap! I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one da** bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman.

Dear Mr. Berman
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them, the 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:
On shelf under the medicine cabinet 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
On Kleenex dispenser 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3
On bedroom dresser 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
In shower soap dish 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstanding.
S. Berman

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Ha Ha

Interesting weekend, gorgeous weather.

Had a visit from Talon and family tonight, Mr. Thinker. He said, "Happy Birthday, Grandma. So how old are you now?"

I said: "61, remember?"

He said: "Well, how many more months til you're 100?"

Not being that good with math, I whipped out my cell phone and checked the calculator. It's 468 months, so I feel safe for now. HA HA

He got Sarah to play robots with him. In his robot-voice, he told her: "Go bang your head 100 times on the couch, ten bangs at a time." She was good; told him something like his robot was now broken. HA HA

Kyle's waterbed had been leaking for a week and had to be "let go." His friend sold him a waterbed bladder stored in a basement. Kyle and another friend, Mr. Amazing-Fix-Anything-Cameron (and I'm not kidding here), filled it up outside to make sure it didn't leak. Kyle hadn't noticed it was a smaller size until he got it in his room the next day. The funniest thing was he was in the living room yesterday talking to me and Jason and Nik and Sarah. All of a sudden he jumped up and moved faster than I'd ever seen him move in his life, literally flew out the front door then flew back in the house and ran down to his room (impressive speed). Nik and Jason followed him and came out laughing hysterically a minute later. You've seen the pictures of those ladies who are expecting six kids at a time and they can't move? It looked like that! He had forgotten the hose was filling the bed; one more cup and it would have EXPLODED in a million trillion drops of water. Nik was like: "Dude, don't touch it! It'll blow!" It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, though Kyle still can't see the humor. Apparently, however, the thing doesn't leak. HA HA Good old Cam came over today and rebuilt the bed frame to fit the new bladder. I'm serious, that young man can do anything. Thanks, Cam!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

It's a Wrap!

Leggo my _____!
Frosty mug sensation.
A day without _____is like a day without sunshine.

I am the ______ bandito!
Pardon me, do you have any________?
Where’s the cream filling?
No more tears…
It’s the cheesiest!
Mom’s depend on _____ _____ like kids depend on moms.
Let’s get _______ to eat it!

A sloppy joe is just a sandwich, but _____ is a meal.
The other white meat.
We sell no ______ before its time.
Gather ‘round the good stuff.
How do you spell relief?

Sorry, Charlie. Only the best tasting tuna gets to be ______.
I don’t wanna grow up. I’m a ______ kid.
4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommend______
The few, the proud, the______
Give a hoot. Don’t_______
________, it gets the red out.
________ wobble, but they don’t fall down.
_____ ____, helps build strong bodies 12 ways.
You’re not fully clean til you’re _______ clean.

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!
Flick your______
If I only have one life, let me live it as a ______
Our repairmen have the loneliest gig in town.
_______, kills bugs dead!

We’ll leave the light on….
It keeps on going and going and going and…

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Day Two...

Where the good things are.
The softer side of______
Can you hear me now?
Pizza! Pizza!
You’re in good hands with______
Zoom! Zoom!
We’ll pick you up.
One call, that’s all.

He bought it at ______’s (think jewelry)
On Road Redwood!
So easy, a caveman could do it.
___________, more than meets the eye.

Only your hairdresser knows for sure.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
Oh no, he’s got ring around the collar!
Fly the friendly skies….
Are you gellin?
If you’re ever unsatisfied with one of your tires….
Better not lay a finger on my ________!
No one can eat just one.
Snap into a _____ ______
Taste the rainbow.
I want my baby back baby back baby back____
Dress for less at ______

You can do it. We can help.
Greatest show on earth.
_______ goes in; stains come out.
“It’s time to make the doughnuts…..”
I love what you do for me.
What’s in your wallet?
Obey your thirst.

Think outside the bun.
______, the heartbeat of America.
THAT was easy!
Don’t leave home without it.
We try harder.
_______, the quicker picker upper.
Have it your way.
Look, Ma. No cavities!
When it absolutely, positively has to get there over night.

Finger lickin good.
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.
_____, the UNcola.
Raise your hand if you’re_____
Let your fingers do the walking….
My bologna has a first name….
Nothing beats a great pair of ______
Nothing comes between me and my_______
Be certain with ______
People who like people like_____

Monday, April 12, 2010

For Rent, Apparently

No wonder we can't fit everything into our brains. They are being used for storage by companies, like wireless computer hackers. In case you don't think so, see if you can fail this test--I dare ya. (It's a 3-day test.)

Plop, plop, fizz fizz_______
________, and I he’ped (think Loretta Lynn)
Made by elves….
Everything tastes better when it sits on a ______

Woops! I could have had a ______!
2 beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, tomatoes (yada yada) on a sesame seed bun
Melts in your mouth, not______
Wheeere’s the_______?

_______, a little dab’ll do ya
It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.
It takes a lickin and keeps on tickin.
Only YOU can prevent______ ______
Nothin says lovin like something from the oven.
M’m good M’m good________
There’s something about an ______ _______ man.
______, it does a body good.

______, take me away!
When you hear the crash…..
Like a good neighbor, ____________
Nobody doesn’t like ______ ____
J E L L __
_________, good to the last drop.
I am stuck on _______ cuz ______’s stuck on me.
10,000,000 strong…and going.

With a name like_________, it has to be good.
In the Valley of the OH HO HO HO HO ______ ______
Don’t get mad, get _______
Ah, oh, better get __________
The nighttime sniffling, sneezing…..________medicine.
When you care enough to give the very best.
Ladies, please don’t squeeze the _______
I’d like to teach the world to sing_______

Silly Rabbit…..
Gotta have my________
Kid-tested, Mother approved
Choosy moms choose_____
The touch, the feel of ________
The incredible, eddible_______
Ding, dong, _____ calling
_____57 varieties
_____31 flavors
_______ ________, the only way to fly.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a _______ ______?
___________, like a rock!
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to _______ _______?
Y M __ __!

Just do it!
Is it in you?
If it isn’t ______ ______, spit it out.
It’s a hemi…
It’s what’s for dinner.
The best part of waking up…
I’d walk a mile for a ______
You’ve come a long way, Baby.
Tastes great, less filling.

_______, the breakfast of champions.
I can’t believe it’s not _______
It’s FANtastic!
Strong enough for a man, but ……..
________ ______, gives you wings.
Wait’ll we get our _______ on you.

Friday, April 9, 2010

PC woes

Press ESC to exit (boy, I’d like that in real life)

SQL error: (followed by something like: Error 6329xB,flr sqn_es49 daq on dr.not)

Your session has “timed out” (like a little child)
Not Responding (like a teenager)
…monitor is going to sleep now (like someone over 50)

Returned undeliverable, intended recipient failed (is this personal, or like a wrong number?) or mailer-Daemon (this Daemon guy never delivers the mail!)

You hit the button to open up an attachment, wait.....and it never opens, but at the left bottom it says “Done“ as in, "done, Dude, not going anywhere."

Do you want to restart your computer now? (I’m right in the MIDDLE of something!)
Do you want to sign up now, or later? (none of the above, please; oh wait, that’s not an option)

You do not have permission to cashier! (Never mind that I did it two minutes ago and will be able to do it again in five minutes.)

We cannot open this file unless we know what program created it (Who is We?)
Some new programs have recently been installed…(by gremlins?)
Do you want to report this error? (I’m not so niave as to think Mr. Gates and his staff of elves are sitting at their computers waiting to help me solve this problem.)

The insults:
Did you forget your password? (Idiot!)
After 3 failed attempts, you will be locked out and have to call headquarters (and admit your sorry little excuse)
You only have 5-4-3-2-1 more logins before you have to change your’ve used that password before. (Now, if passwords were all that private, how would the stupid computer know this?) You must use a minimum of six letters, a symbol, and at least one number. (Left-brained people will not understand this dilemma.)

Do you want to enable cookies? (Cookies??? What kind?)
Refresh Refresh Refresh!
please wait (and my options are?)

Now and then I have computer issues and have to call my son, Vince, who is a PC guru compared to the rest of the family (Jason isn’t bad either.) The conversations go a little like this: (Me)“Hey, Vince, my computer is making a loud ‘fanning’ sound.” He comes over to check it out, digs around and comes up saying, in a calm voice: “Mother, once in a while you need to take off the cover on the hard drive and remove the cat hair.”

(Me)You know the thingy on that thing line at the top of the screen? Well, say, hypothetically, someone accidently clicked on view, then……and something disappeared, how might they get it back?

Why is the picture I saved to screensaver all distorted? Why are there 12 of them?

Does the printer printing out purple mean I’m running out of black, or color ink?

How do I know if my mouse is actually dead and not just pretending?

Years back I read online that since it was March, everyone should clean those windows. They said after you get your house windows clean, you ought to go through your computer and clean out all those unused programs and files. I skipped the house window thing and went straight to “add and delete programs“, deleted some exe files (surely those aren’t important, right?) and had to reinstall my computer from the original discs.

I HATE “Application Terminated“ (this one’s Checkmate!) shut ‘er down and go home.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

and Heber City

East of Midway, you run into Heber, a cute little town with its own high school. Granny’s (a vintage house converted into a malt shop) is famous for its ice cream and shakes. There used to be the Wagon Wheel Café where you could slide into those red-leather seated booths with the gold upholstery-tacked edges and order a terrific home-cooked meal, but we didn‘t see it last trip through town. At the north edge of Heber, not quite on the actual main road but set back in a little ways, there is the wonderful little throw-back-where-you-can-find-things-you-can’t-find-anywhere-else-in-the-world-store, technically named Kings. It is indeed the king of all stores wonderful. The basement is entirely given over to toys and games, treasures like: bags of marbles and bins of hula hoops, little girls Cinderella slippers with pink feathers and diamond-looking beads, boxes and boxes of puzzles, stick horses, stuffed animals, cap guns & caps,sheriff's badges, bottle rockets, plastic dinosaurs and boats, inner tubes for bikes, model car sets, name it…Kid Nervana. I have literally spent hours (totally unregretted) of my life on the main level looking through the approximate 10,000,000 items, like: wind-up music boxes, Indian ceramics, wind chimes, Mexican jumping beans in little wooden boxes, little mirrors that say things like “Mother, I love you”, baby clothes, sunglasses, garden décor, popcorn, finger nail polish, stationery sets, spinning pinwheels, kitchenware, clothing dye, dangly earrings, watches, radio sets, batteries, hoses, magnets, nets for catching butterflies, metal napkin holders for those lousy napkins you have to dig out at little cafes, lemon drops, pillowcases you can embroider with the little hole-punched edges for you to crochet, embroidery thread and yarn, pins and needles, needles and pins, lace, thimbles, post cards... Oh, it’s a treasure trove of discovery, like something you’d imagine inside Snoopy’s doghouse that stretches to the size of your imagination! There is another King’s store in Preston, Idaho, and my children would have thrown a mutiny had I not stopped there one way or the other on each and every trip. That Kings has a back entry, and before I could clear the door, the kids were all running down the aisle headed for the basement. I’d have run with them, but you know about the knee thing.

On the trip home, you can’t relax at all because of the assault on one of your senses, namely your eyes. For an example of what I’m talking about, here are a few pictures snapped on the way home from the doc the other day. Keep in mind that they were taken through the inside of a raindrop-covered windshield by someone who had a little Lortab in her system, and no, I was not driving. Every single trip it is a beautiful sight, summer, winter, spring and fall, but this time it was breathtakingly magnificent!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Provo Canyon to Midway

If you drive two miles north and east of my home, you intersect with University Avenue as it turns into Provo Canyon, surely one of the most picturesque drives in the world and very popular year ‘round. Each mountain has a totally different look from any other, but all obviously have experienced earthquake activity in the past. There are parks lovely enough for summer wedding receptions. Canyon Glen Park is probably the most-used by families and Church groups with its running creek, campfire spots, electricity access, adequate parking, sheltered eating spots, restroom facilities, playground and area for Frisbee or even volleyball. There is Nunn’s park which branches out into all sorts of areas big enough for family cookouts. It would be hard to find a spot that wasn’t a beautiful background for a family picture. It’s not unusual to see someone tubing down the Provo River, and almost always there are men in waders fishing. In the summer it’s quite likely you could see a big puff (!) of black smoke followed by a very loud CHOO CHOO sound, quite a thrill actually, to see an old-fashioned real train engine chugging up the mountain side. You can pay a fee and ride the train from Heber to Bridal Veil falls and the other way around. They have even used it at Christmas time as the "Polar Express Ride". Bridal Veil Falls is pretty any time of the year. In the wintertime, it is frozen in place, as if Jack Frost waves his magic wand quickly, creating a gigantic icicle molded along the side of the mountain. There is some sort of a walkway up there I hear, which was used in the movie Savannah Smiles. There even used to be a fancy hilltop restaurant accessed only by a tram, but it kept getting destroyed by avalanches and such and no longer exists. "They" say it is the most-used falls in the USA as far as people practicing climbing such areas goes. I wouldn’t know. Every few months the Search & Rescue teams have to go up there and save somebody.

A little farther up the canyon, you come across Deer Creek Reservoir, which now has a little resort where you can dock your boat and also store it during the winter if you wish. They have a restaurant there, rental for water Skidoos and such, even a little parking fee-collection kiosk. On a beautiful summer evening drive, you can see probably two dozen brightly-colored sail boats riding the waves.

When Salt Lake City hosted the winter Olympics in 2002, they developed a cross-country skiing venue called Soldier Hollow which is past Deer Creek but not as far as Midway. Midway is a unique town. I don’t know what it’s midway between, but it doesn’t matter because when you get there, you don’t care about anywhere else. You just want to look around. In the old part of town, all the little houses have very sharp roofs and chalet-type shutters, each with just a little difference from any other. As you meander to the newer part of town, you run into some incredible summer mansions and a resort that actually has a man who makes fantastic ice art displays in the wintertime. Around Labor Day each year, they have “Swiss Days” where people have booths and sell quilts, crafts, and all sorts of things they’ve spent the year making. It’s a big deal.